Gainesis
Chapter 1 The Begainning 1) In the begaining Brodin created the Power Rack and the Olympic Platform. 2) Now the power rack was deserted with an empty barbell, darkness was over the surface of the platform, and the Spirit of Brodin was hovering over the Iron Temple. 3) And Brodin said, “Let there be 45 lb plates,” and there were plates. 4) Brodin saw that the plates were balanced, and he separated the iron plates from the rubber plates. 5) Brodin called the iron “power lifting plates,” and the rubber he called “olympic lifting plates.” And there were reps, and there were sets—the first lifting session. 6) And Brodin said, “Let there be a vault between the reps to separate lifts from lifts.” 7) So Brodin made the vault and separated the reps under the barbell from the weights on it. And it was so. 8) Brodin called the vault “rest.” And there were reps, and there were sets—the second lifting session. 9) And Brodin said, “Let the men under the sky be gathered to one place, and let them pick weights up and put them down repeatedly.” And it was so. 10) Brodin called this movement “deadlifts,” and the gathered men he called “bros.” And Brodin saw that it was good. 11) Then Brodin said, “Let us place heavy-ass weights on a bar and put it on their backs until their quads are so strong they push the earth.” And it was so. 12) The quads produced gainz: complementing the back and hamstrings of the deadlifts while continuing to push the weights on their back into the heavens. And Brodin saw that it was good. 13) And there were reps, and there were sets—the third lifting session. 14) And Brodin said, “Let there be complementing lifts to separate the upper and the lower body, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred biceps, and deltoids and pecs, 15) and let them be aesthetic in the eyes of the non-swole to give light in the iron temple.” And it was so. 16) Brodin made two great lifts—the bench press to govern the chest and the overhead press to govern the deltoids. He also made the curls. 17) Brodin set them in the temple of iron to balance out the lower body, 18) to strengthen the back, and to separate weaklings from swole. And Brodin saw that it was good. 19) And there were reps, and there were sets—the fourth lifting session. 20) And Brodin said, “Let the lifts not just be slow, but let the barbells be jerked with great power and technique.” 21) So Brodin created the great olympic lifts of snatches, and clean and jerk, according to their technique, and every explosive lifter swiftly moved heavy-ass weights with grace. And Brodin saw that it was good. 22) Brodin blessed them and said, “Go forth with great speed, power and technique but do not use straps or your forearms will lag.” 23) And there were low reps, and there were high sets—the fifth lifting session. 24) And Brodin said, “Let the body be able to act as a weight on itself so one can pay hommage despite distance from iron temples, from the lats pulling the body up to the chest and triceps pushing the body, each according to its kind.” And it was so. 25) Brodin made the bodyweight pulling movements according to their kinds, the pushing movements according to their kinds, and all the core movements that allow for human flags according to their kinds. And Brodin saw that it was good. 26) At first Brodin made man and woman in all their glory and exactly in Brodin's own image. Man and swole were one, creating the perfect being, a being mired from every angle of every reflection of every mirror in the gym. But then Brodin, in his infinite wisdom, separated man and swole. He proclaimed "One cannot simply be born swole, then life would have no meaning, then alpha and beta would be one and the same. Swole is something that must be earned through the lifting of heavy ass weights." And so it was done, man was removed from his swole and destined to roam the earth in search of his swole. And only when man and swole are united once again can man truly be happy. This is why we lift. 27) Then Brodin said "Those who live life in search of their swole shall be called lifters, a title most honorable. And those who deny their nature shall be called beta." 28) Brodin turned to the Lifters, blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase lifts in number; fill the earth and dominate it. Rule over the otters in the sea and the otters in the sky and over every fatty that waddles on the ground.” 29) Then Brodin said, “I give you every whey-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every creature that has creatine in it. They will be yours for increasing your swole. And to all the weaklings of the earth and all the cardio-birds in the sky and all the otters that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every ounce of protein for food.” And it was so. 30) Brodin saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there were reps, and there were sets —the sixth lifting session. Chapter 2 1) Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array. 2) Then on the seventh day, Brodin rested from all his lifting and creating. Brodin then drank his protein shake and ate his meal. Brodin declared this day of rest to be swoley. 3) Man followed in Brodins steps, and thus the rest day and deload week came to be. Chapter 3 The Story of Gain and Wheybel 1) Now Wheybel kept swole, and Gain toiled on the squat rack. 2) In the course of time Gain brought powerlifting classes as an offering to Brodin. 3) And Wheybel also brought an offering—protein shakes for his flock. 4) Brodin looked with favor on Wheybel and his offering, but on Gain and his offering he did not look with favor. 5) So Gain was very angry, and his face was downcast. 6) Then Brodin said to Gain, “You mad bro? Why is your face downcast? 7) If your form is right, will you not see gains? 8) But if you do not do what is right, crossfit is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” 9) Now Gain said to his brother Wheybel, “Let’s go out to the gym.” 10) While they were at the gym, Gain did not spot his brother Wheybel. 11) Then Brodin said to Gain, “Where is your brother Wheybel?” 12) “I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s spotter? Chapter 5 The Descendants of Alpha 1) This is the book of the generations of Alpha. In the day when Brodin created man, he made them in the likeness of Brodin. 2) He created them male and female, and blessed them with gains. And he named them "swolekind" when they were created. 3) When Alpha had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, and image, and he named him Shwole. 4) After Shwole was born, Alpha lived 800 years, and had many swolesons and dieseldaughters. 5) Altogether, Alpha lived a total of 930 long and swoley years, and then he joined the great lifter in the sky, praise be unto him. 6) When Shwole had lived 105 years, he became the father of Enorshmous. 7) After he became the father of Enorshmous, Shwole lived 817 years and had other swolesons and dieseldaughters. 8) Altogether, Shwole lived a total of 912 swoley years, and then he joined the great lifter in the sky, praise be unto him. 9) When Enorshmous had lived 90 years, he became the father of Keto. 10) After he became the father of Keto, Enorshmous lived 815 years, and had other swolesons and dieseldaughters. 11) Altogether, Enorshmous lived 905 swoley years, and then he joined the great lifter in the sky, praise be unto him. 12) When Keto had lived 70 years, he became the father of Musclelel. 13) After he became the father of Musclelel, Keto lived 840 years and had other swolesons and dieseldaughters. 14) Altogether, Keto lived a total of 910 swoley years, and then he joined the great lifter in the sky, praise be unto him. 15) When Musclelel had lived 65 years, he became the father of Jack4d. 16) After he became the father of Jack4d, Musclelel lived 830 years and had other swolesons and dieseldaughters. 17) Altogether, Musclelel lived a total of 895 swoley years, and then he joined the great lifter in the sky, praise be unto him. Brodin Takes Up Enorchmous 18) When Jack4d had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enorchmous. 19) After he became the father of Enorchmous, Jack4d lived 800 years and had other swolesons and dieseldaughters. 20) Altogether, Jack4d lived a total of 962 swoley years, and then he joined the great lifter in the sky, praise be unto him. 21) When Enorchmous had lived 65 years, he became the father of Muscleselah. 22) After he became the father of Muscleselah, Enorchmous lifted faithfully with Brodin 300 years and had other swolesons and dieseldaughters. 23) Altogether, Enorchmous lived a total of 365 swoley years. 24) Enorchmous lifted faithfully with Brodin; and then he was no more, because Brodin took him away. From Muscleselah To Moah 25) When Muscleselah had lived 187 years, he became the father of Latissimus. 26) After he became the father of Latissimus, Muscleselah lived 782 years and had other swolesons and dieseldaughters. 27) Altogether, Muscleselah lived a total of 969 swoley years, and then he joined the great lifter in the sky, praise be unto him. 28) When Latissimus had lived 182 years, he had a swoleson. 29) He named him Moah, and said, "He will train us in the labor and gainful toil of our hands caused by the cardio that Brodin has cursed." 30) After Moah was born, Latissimus lived 595 years and had other swolesons and dieseldaughters. 31) Altogether, Latissimus lived a total of 777 swoley years, and then he joined the great lifter in the sky, praise be unto him. 32) After Moah was 500 years old, he became the father of Swolem, Ham and Jacketh. Wheymen Chapter 6 The Weakness of Manlets 1) When human beings began to increase in number in the gym and daughters were born to them, 2) the swolesons of Brodin saw that the daughters of humans were jacked, and they married any of them they chose. 3) Then Brodin said "My Lifting will not contend with humans forever, for they are mortal; their lifting days will last a hundred and twenty years." 4) The Meat Titans were in the gym in those days, when the swolesons of Brodin went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the Lifters of old, heroes of renown. 5) Brodin soon saw how great the weakness of the human race had become in the gym, and that they had turned to soft and fleshy manlets. 6) Brodin regretted that he had made human beings in the gym, and his gains were deeply troubled. 7) So Brodin said, "I will wipe from the gym the manlets that I have created-- and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that do lunges along the ground-- for I have made them with too much cardio." Moah's Favor with Brodin 8) But Moah found favor in the eyes of Brodin. 9) This is the account of Moah and his family. Moah was a righteous lifter, gainful among the people of his time, and he lifted faithfully with Brodin. 10) Moah had three sons; Swolem, Ham and Jacketh. 11) Now the gym was almost gainless in Brodin's sight, and full of cardio. 12) Brodin saw how gainless the gym had become, for all the manlets had corrupted their ways. Moah builds the Ark 13) So Brodin said to Moah, "I am going to put an end to all manlets, for the earth is full of cardio because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the gym. 14) Make for yourself an Ark of 45lb plates; you shall make it with racks and benches, and shall cover it inside and out with Whey. 15) This is how you are to make it, three hundred barbells long, fifty barbells wide, and thirty barbells high. 16) Make a roof for it, leaving below the roof an opening one barbell wide all around. Put a door in the side of the ark, and make upper, lower and core decks. 17) For behold, I am bringing waves of protein and preworkout powders on the gym, to destroy all flesh in which the gains do not exist. Everything that is in the gym shall die. 18) But I will establish my temple with you, and you will enter the ark-- you and your swolesons and your wheywife, and your swolesons' wheywives with you. 19) You are to bring into the ark two of all lifting creatures, male and female, to keep them swole with you. 20) Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every creature that lunges across the ground will come to you to be kept swole; for do not dumbbells and plates also come in pairs? 21) You are to take every kind of mass gainer that is to be eaten and store it away as bulking fuel for you and them." 22) Moah did this; he did all that Brodin commanded him. Wheymen Chapter 11 The Box of Crossfit 1) Now the whole world had one type of lifting and a common barbell. 2) As people moved paleo, they found a box in California and settled there. 3) They said to each other, “Come, let’s AMRAP and puke thoroughly.” They used tabatta instead of squats, and deadlifts for legs. 4) Then they said, “Come, let us confuse our muscles and our minds with a brand name that attempts to reach the halls of Brodin, that we may make a game for ourselves, lest be scattered across the face of the Earth". 5) But the Brodin came down to see the box and the metcon the people were building. 6) Brodin said, “If as one people lifting with good technique they have begun to do this thing, then no real PR will be impossible for them. 7) Come, let us go down and kip their pullups that they strain tendons and fail to complete a single pullup.” 8) So Brodin kipped them from there over all the earth, and they stopped periodizing their gains. 9) Thus, it was called Crossfit—because there Brodin stalled their gains and delegitimized their workouts. From there, Brodin scattered them over the face of the whole earth and not a single swole was gained.